So, I am going to say something out loud that I assume to be a universal truth that would have been helpful to know before my beloved grandmother passed away on July 3rd; there is a time after the care-taking, the last breaths, after the wake and the funeral and the burial and the reception. After the bulk of the grief and the numbness that comes when talking about the deceased. A time when really it seems like the unbelievable physical and emotional pain have subsided and you feel like you and your life may actually be permitted to return to normal. That is the time that you realize that you are lonlier than you have ever been. Sometimes, there are tears. Sometimes, there is anger. But, for me, it is a basic pain that settles in your chest like it owns the place. Breathing becomes more difficult and it can seem like all the good in the world has been muddled into shades of gray. I imagine this is what it feels like to have a sumo wrestler on your chest after your first love just broke your heart. Depressing? Absolutely. The end of the world? Of course not, but for a split second, you recognize that this will all happen again, only instead of knowing how to handle it because you have been there before, it will be just different enough that you will have to start at square one. Such a pity that human beings simply aren't impervious to gut-wrenching loss.
Beyond the death of a very dear friend, family member and role model, realizing that you have left your home, friends and job prospects in the familiar can alone be dismal. I always recommend the silver lining perspective of the world, but sometimes when the unbelievable courage you have been holding onto for dear life slips even the tiniest bit, it can be ok to admit defeat for a moment (if even only to yourself). Bottom line is: moving away was easy, a death can make it more difficult than anything else you can ever remember. I'm fighting feeling weak for wanting comfort and to not be reminded of the loss of a life and the absence of another life in the first place.
Wait, I forgot, wasn't I coming out here to get a job?
